only always

this year has been marked by an extraordinary amount of discomfort, in nearly every form. in fact now that i think about it, i don’t think there has even been one day this year where i have not felt a persistent, inescapable sense of discomfort. most of it mental, the rest of it physical. some of it by choice, some of it entirely out of my control. some of it has broken me down, and some of it has shown me what i am capable of.

a reminder: you’re stronger than you think you are, babe!

somehow an imperceptible unease has been woven into each day. whether through uncertainty, unsettling dreams, overthinking, devastating waves of something i can’t even begin to explain. and the physical toll of spending 26.2, 50, and 62.1 miles on my feet. each uncomfortable in its own way.

and i have never felt this consistently uncomfortable and confident before in my life.

at this point the discomfort is almost atmospheric. it’s something i’ve been carrying, living alongside. moving through regardless of what else is happening.

how often are you thinking about it? that all consuming thing? only always.

and you’d think i’d be used to discomfort by now! i have spent hundreds of hours quite literally practicing the act of pushing through discomfort.

i guess you could say that i am an “endurance runner” after all. i’ve trained for three big races this year. boston marathon, malibu canyon 50 miler, and kodiak 100k. some might even say that i enjoy suffering.

the funny thing is that emotional discomfort doesn't operate by the same rules as the physical. you can't train your way out of it. you can't measure how much longer you have to endure it. there is no finish line that guarantees relief.

if you’ve spent even 5 minutes with me this year you’ve heard me say the phrase “the only way out is through” and that is truly the only way i can describe the emotional discomfort.

it’s almost as if i have been forced to make peace with it. like it is some dark entity that needs to exercised out of my body.

i have been so deeply introspective this year. in a way that i come off uninterested in everything. but it’s actually because i am finding out so much about myself. and that has been quite interesting and gut wrenching, and so personal. and there’s parts i’d never ever share with the world because it’s mine, and it’s real. but there’s parts that i need to say out loud sometimes because they can’t stay in my head forever.